If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
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Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118