Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Feels like the fourth month in January
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*