Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
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9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I just tested negative for patience.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly