Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
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When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep