Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.