[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.