To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
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A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I only look at Wordle for the articles
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”