[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
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If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?