Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
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writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.