chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
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FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I will never stop laughing at this
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it