At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
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By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
opening a flower shop called women in stem
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*