[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
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TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Harsh but fair
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Generation gap…
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes