When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.