– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
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If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke