Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
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*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?