Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
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if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”