The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
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How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
What a chick magnet..
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep