I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
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If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
What is going on? 😅
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.