{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
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My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.