CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
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Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration