Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
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(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party