Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
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funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.