Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.