Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
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her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Perfect
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*