I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
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Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*