My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
are they though??
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic