I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
The Sun
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts