banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
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I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
lost dog
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
These aren’t even hard anymore.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.