thanksgiving in nutshell
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Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.