Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
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no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
reduce, reuse, recycle
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.