Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
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Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
If you breakdance you buy dance.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!