Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
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Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.