I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
You Might Also Like
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.