My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
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Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday