I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
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The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here