spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
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Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
it is time once again
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”