[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
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Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.