[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
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[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
He wanted to make sure😂
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?