“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
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“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.