It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
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Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Worst bar ever.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I have never related to anyone more.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up