Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
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ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol