Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
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[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.