Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6