Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
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Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
lmfao
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*