Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.