HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
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I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?