We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
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Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I think I’m having a stroke
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
#DesignFail
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions