Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
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[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…