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I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Herpes is trending, good job people
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures