My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
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My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!